thots: you don't have to read this :)

the utmost loneliness is not one that you experience when being alone.

it is when you in the midst of so many people, yet you feel.. empty.

I'm feeling very edgy again.

it's hard to stop feeling like that some times?

I hate myself for being so easily influenced by others.

why? I really wonder. (in fact, I know the answer- I care too much)

Often than not, I feel that I'm a strong person, mentally at least.

as a girl, physical strength can be limited :/ nid I say more? haha.

anyway, but just a random thought... as I look back to certain parts of my life, I felt so vulnerable. It wasn't anything huge or what.. but just nvr thought that Joanna Ling would ever really be in such a state. Imagine that! I shocked myself. Thou, i've accepted that.. but I really don't like the feeling of being vulnerable. It makes me feel weak, hopeless, needy. I'm suppose to be the one whom people depend on. That's just the kind of friend I am. I wan to be a person who can stand on her own despite all the shit life has to offer but then again, at the same time, at some point, I guess I hoped someone would be thr for me to depend on too. I know there are people who are and will be thr for me, but I'm honestly telling you, it's either fate or luck, most of the time, the timing aint good and I oways, oways... choose to just let it settle deep inside. that's the problem I presume. that's why I'm learning to open up.

To the people whom I expose my weaknesses to,

just a note: if I come off as being a damn weak wuss, screw you.

It's just that I'm strong enough.

Who are you to judge?

To my best frends:
it's not that I dont trust you or I don't treat you fren enough,

it's just becz I grew up with Middle Child Syndrome- tendency to feel overlooked,

which made me unsure of how to express my thots and feelings.

so please... just bear with me, be patient with me and give me a push when I need it.

To strangers and other people:

I may come off as someone unapproachable and distant becz..

I've gone thru shit in my life. you know my name, not my story.

but if you get to know me, I'm pretty awesome IF and only IF you treat me right :P

Note to self:

It's ok to be not okay :)
Give it some time.

So, by the end of the day, I guess it's really no big deal. It just proves that I'm humane. No matter how hard I try to contain feelings or emotions, at some point, it just uncontrollably breaks out. Self-denial, self-pity, self-inflicted sufferings- realisations.

In conclusion, only you can make urself happy :)