Shhyytt-est year in my whole 17 years of living

On the sum, 2009 = shit.
feeling suicidal. 3 more days to SPM & these things happen.
I should have said no....
luck? or God? or jz plain assed fate?!

1st : SO SORRY TO GOD.. for spoiling the mass today.
2nd : Sorry to LifeTeen, i noe i caused trouble.
3rd : Sorry to Mr. Who-Is-In-Charge.. but in my defence, I havent attended church for quite some time. Super-duper sorry tat i was out of order!

for all the above,
IN MY DEFENCE:
1) i'm a noob. end of story.
2) Dont expect things outta me pls! That's d cause of my downfall.
3) I cant work wit pressure esp tis year so back off!
4) Dont ever say " i'm sure u can do well." if u wanna say smth, say smth lk, "just do ur best..".. oh wait.. tat doesnt help too! so best thing to do, SHUT THE **** UP. thank eu~♥
5) NO1 friggin gave me a whole briefing abt the frigging NEW procession.
6) I nvr participated in a mass USING THE FRIGGING NEW PROCESSION.
7) I dont concentrate so much in church to the extend I RMB THE WHOLE PROCESSION.

URGHHH. GIMME A HOLE SO I CAN BURY MYSELF.
**** MAX.
ya, so now i'm drowning in embarassment, self-pity, anger & hatred.
Thnks so much for everything. ♥

Btw, sorry again to LifeTeen, sorry to disappoint..
I've shud have listened to mummy.. quit lifeteen.
1st hand shitty experience to get me to quit nw.
Bye LifeTeen.
I'll try to miss ya. ♥

________________________________________________

if u're thinking y the title is shyyt-est year,
to simplify EVERYTHING...
is.. everything i loved, enjoyed was taken away.. EVERYTHING.
Its quite ponderable hw love can so easily turn to hard core hate.

1) Debate -
(was actually taken away last year but the effects remained)

2) Drama -
(hate it cz of certain ppl who couldnt take critism & went all around talking bad abt us)

3) Teachers -
a) Pn. Chu - utterly destroyed by Mooting ♥
(eventhough she doesnt say it, i noe she dislikes me & yeahh its a mutual feeling.)

b) Mdm Rose - utterly destroyed by Spell-It-Right Comp
(yeahh we beh song each other since Form4 anyways.. jz tot things would differ a bit.. boohu)

c) etc etc..

Conclusion: I can NVR get close to a teacher. whn i do, the relationship gets spoilt.
I wonder if its the same when it comes to other ppl? mayb tat's y i keep ppl at an arm's distance everytime, everywhere, everywho and how.

3) Law Interest- taken awayy by Moot Comp..
(neglection in grp, emotional turmoil, too much expectation from ehem.., pointing fingers..)

4) Singing?
(hmm.. expected more of it from BC singing comp, bt too bad. tat experience became smth we nvr talked of. 1st time compete= last time compete, 1st time sing with bffs bt... actually wanted it to be a memorable thing we did all together..)

i shud stop, u shud b able to get the picture nw.

i wanna die.
i wanna vanish from tis world.
i wanna nvr had been born.
i wanna leave here.
i wanna burn off these chapters from my life.
i wanna tear smth down. a town perhaps?
i wanna get out of tis friggin feeling.
i wanna quit on myself.
i wanna scream.
i wanna... i wanna...... just die...

i just wanted recongnition the right way, the right time..
y izzit so hard??!!
putting all these onto a 17-yr old.. its rather unfair..
Y cant i jz live normally? sometimes i wish i am Wilfred.
mayb things will b so much simpler.. much less hurtful..

if ending my own life isnt a sin,
i'm long gone.